Strength.

Strength:

noun \ˈstreŋ(k)th, ˈstren(t)th\

1: The quality or state of being strong


Strong:

adj \ˈstrȯŋ\

2: Having moral or intellectual power
13: Not easily upset

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"Look how strong you are?"

"You are stronger than you think!"

"You're strong enough to cope with anything."

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There seems to be this general understanding between everyone else that I have this unending source of strength, that I am so strong and I can get through anything.

I really don't know where these ideas come from, I guess the only thing I can think is that these people don't really know me... they don't see the day to day stuff... so because I haven't collapsed into a screaming heap and gone to hide in a dark corner, rocking back and forth while swigging from the nearest bottle, that I have some tremendous source of strength, that I am indomitable.

I guess the other thing is that I have fought since Nicola was born. I have fought for her rights, I have fought for her care, I have fought for her services... but really, she is the one that has fought for her life.

Everyone keeps asking me how I'm coping, how I'm dealing with everything, and no matter what I reply with, there is the assumption that I am strong.

I am not strong.

I am a human. I am flawed, I am weak and I am deeply emotional.

I think the people who assume that I am strong don't see the 4 or more showers I take a day because with my head under the water no one can see my tears. I think the people who assume that I am strong aren't with me when I suddenly find myself faced with the fear that my future may not hold my child. I think the people who assume that I am strong see a facade, they don't see when my knees buckle and my heart breaks and the world just becomes too much and I don't want to do it any more.

Instead, they see when I pick myself up and force myself to smile and keep on going. They see me close my eyes and take a deep breath and take another step forward.

They see me laugh when I really want to cry, they see me keep going when I want to fall in a heap... and they think I am strong.

But I'm not...

And I guess that's alright.